Messy

I have to submit stool samples to my doctor for testing. We want to eliminate (I hope) blood loss in stools as a cause for my chronic anemia. I have to collect samples from three different days, but all within seven days. That assumes a lot. And even though it's my own samples I'm working with, it is not a pleasant job.

First, you have to prepare yourself so your samples yield useable results. In my case, despite my need to take iron pills, I have to stay off the iron for at least one week before I can start collecting. They don't want the result discoloured by iron. And I can't overdo on vitamin C, eat red meat or take medication for three days prior to and during sample collection.

Secondly, the collection process assumes you are productive enough to yield three samples a week. They advise you to eat lots of vegetables and whole grains before and during the collection period.

Most disturbing of all, they don't want you to drop your sample in the water but they don't provide collection containers. So where are you supposed to collect the stuff? Not to mention you have to discard the sample after without splashing all over the place.

They give you three sticks. Each day, you use one to smear the sample from two different areas onto a section of a card, close the card, then put the card in a plastic envelope. The next time, I use the same card, but a different section. Where should I keep this card between samples? I can't leave it lying around, I don't want to put it in my drawer.

The sample kit includes an envelope, so you can mail in your collection! Am I the only one having trouble with that idea? Oh sure, it would serve a mail thief right. But at the post office, it would get stacked right next to love letters sprayed with perfume, it would go right between birth announcements and wedding invitations. It just doesn't seem right.

This is a highly user-unfriendly procedure that has got me all flummoxed and spatzy. More so because in my gut, I know I'm not losing blood that way. And I can't get anyone else to do this for me. I'm getting a headache and my shoulder is hunching up just thinking I have to do this again.