My Secret Life

I now know what it feels like to have an addiction. It controls my day and disrupts my night, yet on the surface, I can seem so normal.

For the last few weeks, this is what I've been doing. I make everyone get ready for bed about 10:30 pm. We are usually late nighters. The Man and The Boy think I'm introducing a healthier regime by getting everyone to bed earlier. By midnight, all lights are out and the boys are asleep. That's when I come to life.

I get up around 12:30 am and I play Luxor. I play till about 2:30 am, sometimes till as late as 4:00 am. Last night, I beat the game. Once you beat the game, you get a bonus stage. I am at the last level of the bonus stage.

I can't wait till I beat the bonus stage and return to normal life.

What this sneaking up in the middle of the night has done is make me very tired all day. I need a snooze mid-morning and late afternoon. That means, at night, I am wide awake. I need to reset my body clock. But god, it's hard. On the one hand, I want to resume life before Luxor, on the other hand, I am looking for a new addiction.

This morning, I got up early and helped The Man practise his interviewing techniques. Then I helped haul two tables to Candidate's office. Now I need to do some shopping as I will be in Haliburton with my book club for the weekend. I have not read my book because I've been too busy with Luxor. Guilt and exhaustion for momentary pleasure. Knowing that The Boy had beaten the game twice effortlessly won't let me admit defeat. The frustration I feel when I lose just strengthens my tenacity. I bet that's the gambling gene at work.

That's what an addiction is.