Losing My Religion

Since the Christmas break, my daily routine has been getting looser and looser. Not that I had such a structured routine in the first place. But I always aim to get a few things done a day, no matter how small. That's what I live by - a few things done a day.

The Boy and his friends had a sleepover on Saturday at the house. They stayed up late, which meant I stayed up late too. I know I heard them still at 3:30 am. Then I was up at 6:00 Sunday morning. I don't remember if I slept at all, but I must have, because I woke up from snoring a few times in the dark.

I know I was still recovering from it Monday. I was tired, sleepy and aching all over, like my body was rebelling against the lack of sleep and the walking and exercise I force it to do. Despite that, I hauled it off to the gym and did a no sweat workout.

When I got home, I wondered what was the point of that? Did I really exercise if I didn't sweat? Wouldn't it be okay to just sit at home and stay in bed for a day or ten. I guess that's the fear, that if I actually spent the day in bed, I'd never want to get up again. Then I'd never get anything done. Because whether I like it or not, I subscribe to the religion that requires me to be productive with my time, to account for my time, such as looking for a job. But because I am home full time, I feel I must pack as much into my day as possible to justify my being home, to prove I am not slovenly of mind and body. The guilt, the guilt, when I fail.

How did we adopt this worker ant mentality, that we have to plan and store up for the winter? And winter is always just ahead. I know, it's partly the Protestant ethic. We must atone for original sin through labour. We must be industrious to acquire wealth - a sign that we have been elected to be saved. Max Weber believes it's this Protestant ethic that gave rise to capitalism.

Capitalism came out of asceticism because Puritans wanted to "turn work into a spiritual vocation". Imagine that.

How I want to lose this religion.

We go to work when we are sick then wonder why there is so much illness in the workplace. We schedule our kids' every activity then wonder why they aren't able to occupy themselves when they have free time. We expect business as usual after a giant snow storm. We spend all our time on work and the acquisiton of money then wonder why there are so many lonely people around and why our kids don't have a moral compass. We overstretch our time and ourselves and wonder why we are so stressed out. Exhausted from work, we spend our earnings on a vacation to recover from work, so we can get back to work and do it again.

I can't be a part of this any more.

I think it's my disillusionment with how and why we work that has me immobolized. The issue for me is, how to get out of this inertia and find new meaning in what I do and how I earn a living.

Surfing the web yesterday, I came across these books:

- How to Be Idle by Tom Hodgkinson
- The Play Ethic by Pat Kane
- Soft Power by Joseph Nye
- Status Syndrome by Michael Marmot
- In Praise of Slow by Carl Honore

I think these books question why we want to rush around the way we do and suggest alternatives to the rush. I wonder if they address the guilt. I bought In Praise of Slow. I hope it leads to other readings of enlightenment.