The Straw

Now that I have stopped fuming, I can talk about this.

The Boy has many freedoms and privileges. With these privileges come responsibility. Sometimes, he doesn't follow through on his responsibilities and obligations. That's when I get angry and disappointed.

Getting to school on time, handing in homework, carrying out his chores around the house are ongoing battles. Once in while, he needs to do what I ask, just because I say so. On my part, I give him support and perks so he can do the things he wants and enjoy time with his friends.

This March break, he planned a trip to Montreal with friends. I asked for details of the plan, such as when he's leaving, how, where he wants to stay, then we can talk about a budget. He kept saying he will give me all that information. The day before departure, I still had nothing.

That day, I had also invited a friend home for dinner. I asked The Boy to be home for that dinner and reminded him three times in as many days. On the day of the dinner, I phoned him at 6:00 pm to ask him to bring dessert home. He was at a cafe with friends. He asked if he could stay till 9:00. I said no, he needed to be home by 7:00. He said fine.

My friend arrived. We waited till 8:30. The Boy did not show up. I decided we would eat without him. The Boy came in at 9:15 to join us.

After my friend left, I told The boy I was disappointed he hadn't come home like I asked him to. He said, "I asked you if I could come home at 9:00 and you denied me that."

"Right. So why didn't you come home on time?"

"I don't know. I didn't feel like it. What's the big deal?"

"You didn't feel like it because it wasn't important to you. Your not coming home was disrespectful and irresponsible. You didn't do what I asked despite all my reminders, despite saying you would be home, because you didn't feel like it, because you weren't gaining anything by it. You were being selfish. I am very disappointed."

Half an hour later, he said, "Mom, about that money you're supposed to give me for Montreal. Can I have it now because I'm leaving tomorrow."

"You have not given me any information on your trip. After tonight, I don't feel like supporting you in what you want."

He objected with, Then I am not going to download the photos from your camera to the computer. Everything for the trip is booked. My friend will hate you. You are going back on your word. You have to pay the hotel cancellation fee of $250.

I said, I am not paying for anything. I am not interested in your trip. Right now, I don't feel like supporting what you do because you don't support what I do. You can still go to Montreal, just don't expect any help from me. And now, I don't want to talk to you about Montreal any more.

He phoned The Man in Indonesia for help. I explained the situation to The Man, and added, The Boy never has consequences for his actions. Is that what you want for him? It's not that he missed dinner. That was just one thing in a long series of disrespectful and belligerent behaviour and attitude. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Maybe it's because The Man saw my point and remembered how difficult The Boy can be, maybe it's because he couldn't help The Boy from Indonesia anyway, maybe it's because he didn't want to piss me off and cause me to cancel my trip to Indonesia, but The Man supported me in my decision not to support The Boy.

The Boy balked, not believing his father would not rescue him from his evil mother. I want to phone Dad back, he said. You incur any long distance charges on your cell phone and I will cut it off, I said slowly and evenly. He tried to apologize. I said it was too late.

So. The Boy cancelled his trip to Montreal. Since then, he's been diligent in telling me where he is and what he's doing. Today, I asked him what he's doing about the hotel cancellation fee, then changed my mind about wanting to know, so I said, Never mind, I am sure you will figure it out. He said, The cancellation fee is $110, not $250. I will pay for most of it, I have enough.

Has The Boy learned anything? I hope he has learned that he can handle problems when they come up, though I don't know. I hope he will be more responsible and responsive to his mother from now on. He is singing upstairs.

Parents often are not sure of how to handle their teens and don't feel good about being tough on them. I certainly didn't feel good. But I am glad I was firm on my resolve. I am going to count on the good qualities in our mother-son relationship to carry us over this rough patch. I am amazed that all this went down without me doing any yelling or screaming.