Bah Humbug And Grinchitude

It's only Christmas Eve and I have already gained weight. Bah humbug.

I have no attachment to the religious significance of Christmas and I absolutely detest the commercial presence of it. Despite that, I go through the motions of sending out cards, buying presents, and putting up Christmas decorations. I rationalize that at least I am keeping alive the romantic tradition of hand-delivered mail in this age of the internet; that once a year, I could bring myself to fit in to the common sentiment of gift-giving as an expression of love and not a frenzied feeding into the material consumption of people who already have everything; that once a year, the house could be dressed up to satisfy nostalgic yearnings of times never experienced.

I do these things because doing them once a year wouldn't kill me and it makes so many people happy. And besides, I really do like the social gatherings. I like that we give ourselves reason to see family and friends. I like that we make an issue of getting together and sharing a meal because god knows we don't have enough rites and rituals in our secular lives to express joys and grief and mark the passage of time.

So it's a trade-off of sorts. I conform, I get to see family and friends.

But I fell short this year on decorating the house. I didn't want a tree. We have no room for it now that I have a 20-gallon aquarium where the tree could stand. I don't want to clutter up the house.

I don't want lights outside and fake greenery inside. Lights should be used to see things inside and the outdoors should stay outdoor. I want to conserve electricity to avoid declaring war on other countries for energy and to preserve the earth. And besides, I am offended by the gaudy, multi-coloured lights that my immediate neighbours put up around their houses. They hurt my eyes and sensibility every time I go outside.

I have a wreath on our front door and I have put scotch pine branches in my flower barrel, topped it with red branches rising from the middle, and scattered red and orange mini gourds in it. It is charming, subtle and festive enough.

Then last night, the subject of getting a tree came up. The Man and The Boy are disappointed we didn't have one, that the house is not decorated. The Boy wants me to get rid of my fish so we can put a tree there. I am offended. I have never told him the real reason why we keep fish. That's the subject of another post.

We got into a discussion about my needs versus their desires. They have shown no interest in decorating for Christmas so far, so why should I decorate the house when I also have no interest in doing it? What would I be doing it for? I don't know how our conversation deteriorated. It ended when all three of us got up and left the room.

And in the corner of the dining where I parked my life, I remembered The Man was in Yemen last Christmas and he was looking forward to a real Christmas this year. With him working in an office right now and his mother in the hospital, Christmas preparation has not been a priority. The Boy had been doing homework and trying to produce quality work right up to Thursday night. It's his job as a teenager to scoff at everything that he used to like. Is it not my job then to prepare Christmas for them, to provide structure and ritual for The Boy to scoff at and feel safe and secure in? I am the partner and mother after all. I felt mighty ashamed.

So after dinner, I said, "I am going out to get a tree. We need one."

Our tree supplier on St. Clair said, "You're late in getting a tree this year." And he helped me choose a slender but full tree so it wouldn't take up too much room, but a tall one so it doesn't look small. Then he trimmed the tree and said, "You only get to use the tree for two days. I put them on sale today. Half price."

I came home with the tree and The Man found a place beside the couch for it. It takes up no room at all and we only have to move the couch and carpet a few inches. I said to The Boy, "Will you help me decorate the tree tomorrow?"

He said, "Sure."

It's light out now this morning. I have gone into the shed and pulled out our boxes of decorations. We will be busy today.