One Wakeful Moment

I remember an episode of Barney Miller years ago where Barney tried to support one of his officers through a difficult time. I noted how simple the exchange was and thought maybe men really do have a different way of communicating.

I think the exchange went something like this. The officer stayed late at work and Barney was surprised to see him still there. Knowing he was going through a difficult time, Barney said, "You okay?" The officer said, "Yeah." Barney said, "Umm, you want to grab a beer?" The office thought for a split sec and said, "Some other time." Barney gets his coat to leave, turns around and said, "Don't stay too late." The officer nods. As Barney is about to close the door, the officer calls out, "Hey Barney..." Barney stops and looks back. The officer said, "Thanks."

That was it. On the surface, an exchange that could have happened every night as fellow co-workers said goodnight to each other. Yet it was understood that exchange was meaningful to both Barney and the officer, and they would have no need to talk about it again. I've seen The Man communicate with his friends in similar, subtle ways. No show of emotion, condescension, or embarrassment. An intention of support that folded naturally in the unfolding of the day.

At my dinner party last night, I had a similar exchange with my friend who lost her husband. I asked her how her Christmas was. She said the usual, It was nice, spent it with extended family, had sleepovers. Then she said, I had this week off. After all the busyness of Christmas, I had time to go for coffee and do nothing. I guess I've intentionally kept busy. But with nothing to do, I felt Husband's absence.

I said, I thought about you often this Christmas. I know what a big event Christmas has been for you. You have the tree-trimming party and Husband and his band sing. I wondered how you were doing.

Then we were interrupted by new arrivals. After greeting my guests. I turned back to her, gave her a hug, and said, I'm glad you're here.

After that, we joked about this and that for the rest of the night as if we didn't have that exchange.