I just know my shrink is going to tell me I suffer from penis envy. I've been seeing Dr. Noggin more or less regularly for over a month now. I don't know what happens in his office. I have yet to not cry when I am there.
This week, I talked about my regret at not being able to give something back to my father before he died, that I would have liked to take him to Australia, pay for his trip and accompany him on the trip, especially when he was in remission from cancer. I should have fulfill my filial duty and serve my father better in his last years. I balled my eyes out that I hadn't been able to do that.
But I had not given that regret much thought. I hadn't thought about it at all - not this week, not this month, not since my father died. Then I went into the doctor's office and started talking about it.
I also told him that as the first born, I've always felt it was my duty to look after my parents, that maybe it would have been easier if I had been a son. I don't know why I said that. I have never wanted to be a man. And I felt quite relieved and felt a solidarity of support when my siblings demonstrated they would take an equal part in caring for them. But I guess that came later. In my formative years, I certainly felt it was my responsibility to look after my parents, and my siblings for that matter.
And I guess I wondered if I would have done a better job of taking care of everyone if I had become a lawyer, if I had been a millionaire entrepreneur, if I had been a son, what if I were a robot, if...
This must be how therapy works. Having talked about it, and now having written about it, I see how unreasonable it was that I should feel responsible for so many people's well-being. My expectations are unrealistic. No epiphany. I've suspected this. But I've never felt it. Now I do.
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`Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
`I don't much care where--' said Alice.`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
`--so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.
`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.'
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`In that direction,' the Cat said, waving its right paw round, `lives a Hatter: and in that direction,' waving the other paw, `lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.'
`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on `And how do you know that you're mad?'
5 comments:
Don't worry you are just fine
sufferwords
I find myself crying almost ever time I visit my GP. He has this way of just looking me in the eyes, and it's game over.... there's no holding back. I worry that this frailty will get the better of me, but always find it very therapeutic in the end.
The only one that you have to take care of and worry about is yourself. I've come to realize, especially as I grow older with each passing year, that this is a difficult life. Everyone has a difficult life, skeletons in the closet and loose ends that need closure. There's already enough going on in your own life that you don't need to worry about other people.
There will always be regrets in life, there will always be "what ifs" and "if onlys". Can't dwell on them. Life really is too short. We all really need to concentrate on helping ourselves before we can think about helping others. I know, I know, this is a cliché. But there is validity in that statement.
Just make yourself happy and fuck what anyone else thinks. A lot of people, happy or otherwise, are doing that right now.
I wish I could have something really profound to tell you, but I don't. So why even write... Well because I think I understand what your saying.
As you know my father died reletively recently and I've had more thoughts about his and mine relationship than I care to admit to myself.
I regret him not being there when he was alive. I regret not being able to see the good in him, when my siblings apparently can. I regret not trying to have a relationship with him, when all those around me kept saying I should.
I don't want to regret spending too much time on regret. There's too much good stuff in the day to day to worry about the day before.
Over time my regrets will fade and hopefully fond memories will grow.
Hey SIL, I like that you're visiting regularly. I bet I thought about my dad because I talked to you about yours. But a delayed reaction, or I could just be slow...
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