That's it. I'm not ever consulting Sis the doctor and Bro Bro the pharmacist about any illness I may have. Because their first diagnosis for everything is cancer.
Even when my mother had ear wax, Sis said cancer, which caused my mother to lose sleep for a whole night.
When my doctor and I were trying to find the cause of my anemia, Sis said colon cancer. When we settled on heavy menstrual periods, she said cervical cancer.
Now she's got a nose sore. She says nose cancer. At least she doesn't exclude herself from the affliction.
Bro Bro hasn't been eating much lately. He's been exercising, the weather's been warmer, he's lost some weight. You'd think that's a good thing. But no, he also thinks he has cancer.
I've been feeling tired and lazy lately. My body aches. Just because coincidentally I've been going to the gym the last two weeks doesn't mean that my body is adjusting to the new stress. I know I've got cancer.
All 30 people in my meditation class complain that their minds race and they have trouble settling down to meditate. I bet it's cancer.
Hey, I read that teenagers are watching less TV than they used to. They must all have cancer.
My neighbour's dogs have been yelping louder than they did in the winter. Think they have cancer?
Sis and Bro Bro are like those relatives you should never take investment advice from - they're the relatives you should never take medical advice from. I just hope they won't be the kids who cry wolf.
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`Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
`That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat.
`I don't much care where--' said Alice.`Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat.
`--so long as I get somewhere,' Alice added as an explanation.
`Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, `if you only walk long enough.'
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`In that direction,' the Cat said, waving its right paw round, `lives a Hatter: and in that direction,' waving the other paw, `lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.'
`But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
`Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: `we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
`How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
`You must be,' said the Cat, `or you wouldn't have come here.'
Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on `And how do you know that you're mad?'
8 comments:
A doctor friend of mine once told me that the majority of his patients were middle aged men who had self diagnosed themselves with Cancer (to no avail). For this he was thankful, because if it hadn't been for them, he would never have been able the afford his lovely summer home so early on.
My hair is showing it's darker roots. Do you think I have cancer?
Instead of blaming it all on cancer, perhaps the blahs/tiredness is from the weatherman. Usually I prefer not to stereotype careers, but I say "man" simply because it gives me an excuse to blame the opposite sex. (Any Chance I get) Why is it that last week I had the occasion to wear shorts and now I have to dig up the snow garb again. I mean I just washed it! Anyway, I hear having your inlaws visit helps to vanish tiredness. See you soon
I never say anything IS cancer, I always say it MIGHT BE. It's a sound medical diagnostic algorithm. You see a presenting problem, first you rule out life-threatening causes, then you rule out the rarer but important and serious causes, only then can you relax and consider the usual causes. It's the way to avoid malpractise suits and killing people.
Not my fault that people don't actually listen to what I say and lose sleep over their interpretation of what I say.
At least now I know the best way of getting people to stop asking for free medical advice.
Anon - You think they're just practising for their summer property? Hmmm.
SIL - In the cause of a summer property, yes you have cancer.
WW - I've heard you say, "It's cancer" not "It might be cancer". But let's not quibble. Just keep your eye on that summer property.
If all else fails, there's always the self help route. See excerpt below....
How to give yourself cancer in five easy steps
Following with our ever-popular series on "How to Get Disease," this article discusses how to give yourself a raging case of cancer. By following the instructions in this article, you can give yourself almost any form of cancer desirable and if you pursue these strategies to their fullest potential, you could end up with several different forms of cancer all at once. So, let's get started and learn how to give yourself cancer.
Be patient, the day will arrive, and it may be sooner than expected, my death certificate will read "cancer of the adrenal glands", and then I will have told you so...............perhaps as a ghost haunting your dreams.
Ooooh...I'm scared.
Stop scaring my friend!
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