Speed

I had my first highway driving lesson today. I am a seasoned driver, for over 25 years. But for 20 years, I have not driven on the highway. It's time to re-acquire that mobility.

My brother, a former driving instructor, took me out. We went on and off the highway a few times and finally sped our way into Bowmanville, where we stopped for coffee.

I am an excellent crisis manager. Thrown suddenly into a crisis, I generally do well and even take over leadership of a situation. But when I stop, my latent reaction kicks in. That's when I collapse, crack up, or crawl under the bed and quiver.

So when we stopped for coffee in Bomanville, I felt my fear.

The highway speed limit is 100. But staying with the flow of traffic means going 120, often faster, and still cars pass you on the left. Changing lanes? Not so bad when there are few cars, but paralyzing at that speed when cars are everywhere. Mirror, blindspot, signal, mirror, blindspot. I didn't always do that. I nearly hit a car. Bro said we were never in danger, he was in control the whole time and would have grabbed the steering wheel if I hadn't swerved back. Unlike city driving, where you have many opportunities to stop at lights or pull over to a curb, you can't stop for a breather on the highway. You can, but you have to maneuver your way to an off ramp and look for a safe spot somewhere in a strange town.

But bro's a pro. He said, It's just practice. He saw when I was gripping tightly on the steering wheel, even through my gloves. I wonder if he saw the sweat in my hands. He knew when I was holding my breath and told me to take a deep one. He read my mind and offered words of encouragement when I thought, God, my life is in your hands.

But in that coffee shop, my heart palpitated more than when I was driving. The adrenaline kicked in and I couldn't sit down for a long time. I grew fearful remembering how fast I was going on the highway. The mere thought of keeping with traffic at 120 made me panic. I felt a few bouts of lightheadedness and wondered if I was coming down with something. I was exhausted. I thought I would have a breakdown if I got back on the highway again. So bro drove us back, with me deep breathing discreetly on the passenger side.

I document this to get my fear out of me. Even now, as I relive the experience, the room spun a little, my heart rate just picked up, and I'm having trouble breathing. But I am visualizing my competence and driving smoothly on the highway. Cars are all around me, but I handle the car safely. Mirror, blindspot, oop, car. Mirror, blindspot, signal, mirror, blindspot, I just made a lane change without slowing down. I'm good.