Get Your Butt Over Here

That's the sign on the door of the waiting room at the hospital where I was today. I had a little procedure done. A routine scan. A screening for colon cancer. Not that I have reason to suspect I have colon cancer. It's just that when you enter your fifth decade, the doctors highly recommend it to screen out the cancer. Colon cancer is apparently the second killer of Canadians after heart disease.

To prepare for the colonoscopy, I fasted the day before. No solid food all day. No dairy, no grape juice. But clear liquids and non-grape flavoured jello are okay. I just had water and coffee. I took two laxatives in the morning, then at 4:30 pm, I started to drink 4 litres of electrolyte water. I had to drink it all within four hours. That's a 6 oz glass every 10 minutes. My god it was not easy.

In the middle of the drinking, my system started to clear. It was most uncomfortable. Every time I bent over, the motion triggered the urge to purge, which triggered a everyone-and-everything-out-of-my-way beeline to the bathroom. By the second litre, I was simply passing water. But you know, I felt my inside cleaning out as the water passed became clearer and clearer. Really, it was almost like the water went in one end and within seconds, came out the other. By the fourth litre, I couldn't tell whether I was peeing or pooing.

The instructions said not to take in any more liquid after midnight. But my mouth felt dry. So I sipped on tea anyway to moisten my mouth. This morning, I weighed four pounds less than yesterday!

I checked in at the hospital at 11:00 am. The process was not as bad as I imagined. The staff were friendly and understanding. They must know it's an awkward procedure for first timers and tried to put me at ease without being condescending. A nurse explained with an illustration board exactly what would happen during the procedure.

I was put on a stretcher and given sedation, an IV in the arm. Then a nurse wheeled me into the examination room where a TV monitor hovered the bed. I said to the doctor, I want to see what my inside looks like. The doctor repositioned the monitor so that it faced me. A nurse strapped vital sign monitoring things on me and topped up my IV. Then the probing began.

There were little aches and cramps throughout the 30 minutes of the procedure. I saw my innards. I saw fleshy, smooth lining. It was really neat.

I feared I was going to make loud explosions as I expelled water and gas throughout the procedure. I feared I would be drenched in my own mess as the procedure progressed. None of that happened. When the doctor removed the probe, I passed gas quietly a few times. That was it. Or not. Because I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was in the recovery room. When I was given the sedative at noon, the nurse said it could put me out for about 30 minutes. The procedure was over at 12:30. I remember glancing over at the clock. Then at exactly 1:00, I woke up. Weird how exact the dose was.

But you know, I felt so clean after. For the rest of the day, I tried not to eat too much. It was hard. Sis and Bro brought food over for dinner and we had a little party. It was great. And I am clean as can be inside. No cancer, no polyps, no mysterious spots, no aliens from outer space, no evil hidden deep in my bowels. Not a bummer day at all.