It Wasn't Over

It felt like nothing's been happening in the last while. But when I talk to The Man and friends, I realize that's not so. There is the summer to plan (The Exchange is coming back!), my mother's basement apartment to rent out, my garden to clean, weed, and plant. And The Boy's episode with whiskey wasn't quite over.

The principal had banned the boys from going to the cast party. But the party was held in in a private home after hours. She had phoned the parents hosting the party to say the two boys weren't allowed to attend. Did she have jurisdiction over The Boy's private time on private property? This was a grey area for me. Without the musical production, there certainly wouldn't have been a cast party. 

Another teacher met The Boy in the hallway and threatened to ban him from a June solstice concert if she found out he attended the party. This was uncalled for and amounts to bullying on the teacher's part. I had issue with that. The Boy had been invited to play in the teachers' rock band, he had been rehearsing with his own rock band, he had been working hard at transcribing a music score for the orchestra so they could play backup music for his rock band.

The Boy was incensed and felt violated on being banned from the cast party and being threatened with a ban from playing in the solstice concert.

That night, I attended the musical performance at the school. An excellent production as always. But what transpired during the day was, the boy whose parents were hosting the party sent word to The Boy that they still wanted him to come to the party, that they would cover for him and lie to the school if needed. Now it was my turn to be incensed.

In those few split seconds in the hallway while I weighed whether The Boy should go to the cast party, I understood the following:

1.  The Boy and his friend had done wrong.
2.  The principal had a responsibility to apply punishment as a deterrent to other students.
3.  Whether the principal had jurisdiction over The Boy's private time on private property was in question. But she did waive giving him a permanent record in favour of a party ban to reduce permanent damage.
4.  The Boy felt violated and great injustice had been done to him because his private activity had been interferrred with.
5.  The teacher in the hallway had bullied The Boy.
6.  The Boy felt greater injustice at being threatened. He felt he must attend the party now on principle, to make the point that the principal and teacher had no right to violate him. He felt safe because the host parents would cover for him.

While all these principles were at issue, my gut told me something else. It said there was already enough damage done; my maternal instinct needed to protect The Boy and contain the damge. As his mother, I had greater interest in and concern for his long-term welfare than anyone else. If I didn't look out for him, protect him from himself and the situation, who would?

The teacher had escalated the problem by threatening The Boy. He would escalate it further by attending the party. His participation in the solstice concert was at stake. Because of the work he's already put in preparing for this concert, he would feel worse being banned from it than not atttending the party. Further escalation of the problem means more people would know about what happened. The school's reputation was at stake. More importantly, The Boy's reputation was at stake. I didn't want him to end his high school year on a sour note after having given so much of his energy and affection to the school.

And while the host parents should have consulted with me instead luring The Boy to the party, I interpreted their invitation as a first response based on affection for The Boy. I drew to The Boy's attention that because of their affection for him, he had a greater moral responsibility to not put them and all the other kids attending the party in a compromising situation where they are required to lie for him. 

Because of all of the above, I discouraged The Boy from attending the party and took him home. I am thankful he trusted me, heard some of what I tried to say to him, and came home willingly despite much anger and frustration on his part.  

Had I done the right thing by not teaching him to stand up for himself and fight the principal and the bullying teacher? I don't know.

Friday night, he had the solstice concert. It was fabulous he reported. Being invited to play in the teacher's rock band was no small thing. The teachers have never invited a student to join them before. And this time, he attended the private party after. Then he went to another party Saturday night. I have seen him twice this weekend, for all of 10 minutes each time. He phoned to tell me he's having a good time.