I brought Mom to Cobourg recently for a house and garden tour. After, we had dinner with my Mother-in-law. For a woman who claims to speak no English, Mom communicated well with Mother-in-law. Mom never needed a translator. It was Mother-in-law who asked for translation, I think not because she didn't understand Mom, but because she couldn't believe what Mom was saying.
So this is what I learned about Dad: he was engaged to another woman before Mom.
In the mid-1950's, Great-grandma (Mom's dad's mother) was living in Hong Kong. She rented a room in a building. In the same building lived a young woman and her mother. The young woman also had a rented room. Her mother rented a bed. (Those were the cramped housing conditions of the poor at the time. Apparently, it's not much different now.) This young woman was engaged to Dad.
They were engaged for three years. That was a long engagement back then. It was Dad who kept delaying the wedding. One of the reasons for the delay was, as a condition of marriage, the woman's mother required Dad to support her till death, and after death, to maintain her grave.
It meant he would have to tend her grave till the end of his days. Culturally, this was a common request. But Dad was a man of his words. He didn't want to do that and he didn't want to lie about it. I wonder if even then, he had thoughts of leaving Hong Kong some day. And he figured it was not worth it to get married only to gain two dependents for life. I think he must've really not liked the woman's mother.
Eventually, he broke off the engagement. In ancient China, arranged marriages were common. If a man backed out of an arranged marriage, even though he has never met the intended bride, it could cause such humiliation and irreparable damage to her reputation as an unwanted woman that jilted brides often committed suicide. Even though Hong Kong in the 50's was not ancient China, this turn of events must've have been devastating for Dad's fiancee.
But Mom came from a family of successful gold merchants. They know when to seize the opportunity. That's when Great-grandma said, but he's still a good man, and suggested to Dad that he meet her granddaughter, who was still in China, but was moving to Hong Kong soon. Dad was 29, he was eager to be married. Mom was 18, just the right age to be plucked. Accompanied by her mother and brother, Mom moved to Hong Kong and met Dad.
Within 6 months, they were married. When knowledge of their engagement spread, Dad's ex-fiancee phoned Dad to ask if he wanted her engagement ring back. Dad told her to sell the ring and buy something sweet for herself.
A year after Mom and Dad married, I came tumbling out of mom and into a whole new set of drama.
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4 comments:
Dad told me about his engagement before. What he said was that he didn't like the woman. That she wasn't pretty and didn't reflect well on him, that he didn't think she would give him alot of children. Then he met Mom and knew right away he wanted to marry her because she was pretty and young and plump (ie. fertile looking). He told me this when I asked him about love, during the days of waiting for his oncologist appointments, when I was separating from the Ex. Basically, it came down to loving Mom right away, and never having loved the other woman.
Why the fuck didn't I ever hear of this story? This is fascinating family history.
Dad always had the gift of embellishment. He told me about this other woman years ago while sitting in the waiting area of the pharmacy sipping a coffee. The version at that time was that Mom was a much better prospect because she came from a wealthy family and the opportunity for advancement was better with her than with the other woman. Little did he know that he would end up supporting her, her mom and his son. Notice how much more pragmatic and how much less emotional content there is in this version as told to me, his oldest son. Must have been a macho thing.
My Mom-mother in-law-told me of your day and how much she enjoyed spending time with your Mom and how fascinating it was to talk to her. Her comment was "she understands more English than she lets on" However, the translation thing was good. Mom also mentioned that you learnt about family things you'd never heard mentioned before and all in all Mother-in-law has always liked Mother. Did that make sense?
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